The Great Stapler War
by funky-guitar-babe-9
Summary: Just a little one-shot, rather silly and hopefully funny. One of Abby's friends is having a minor operation, and whilst Gibbs is with her at the hospital, war erupts in the office. Rated K plus for very minor comic violence. Please R&R!


Abby stood up to pace the waiting room outside the OR for what felt like the hundredth time that day

Abby stood up to pace the waiting room outside the OR for what felt like the hundredth time that day. Watching, waiting, hardly daring to breathe every time a masked surgeon approached, she started to mutter to herself impatiently about the survival rates of such operations.

"Abs?"

She jumped out of her skin at the light touch on her arm, jolting her back to the stark, sterile white of the hospital.

"You OK?"

"Yeah, I just…I'm nervous, that's all. It's been too long! Over half an hour, why?"

"I don't know, but – isn't this sort of operation supposed to take that amount of time? At the very least? Maybe even longer, depending on the individual's stat-"

"You really listened to what Ducky said about this? That's so sweet!"

"Yeah, Abs, I did. Figured that you weren't really listening at all, so one of us might as well be. Now sit down, and relax. Everything will be fine."

Abby obeyed, and carefully listened to the smart, quick footsteps of her boss die away, no doubt headed for the coffee machine, before she sprung up again, and resumed pacing.

_Meanwhile, back at NCIS…_

"Give me my stapler, Tony! Now!"

"Why? What do you want with it, Katie?"

"Don't call me that! Give it!"

"No. I like it; it kinda reminds me of…well…"

"Of what, Tony? An ex-girlfriend?"

"Why would it remind me of an ex-girlfriend?"

"Oh I don't know…because…because it dispenses sharp objects when you depress it?"

"Huh? What was in your morning coffee, Katie? No, I was gonna say that it reminds me of my old stapler…y'know, the one Gibbs threw at that JAG lawyer? Man, I loved that sta-"

"Give it to me! NOW!"

Tony started a reply, but was cut off when 120 pounds of brunette fury launched itself at him, grabbing him by the shirtsleeve and wrestling him to the ground. He considered a smart-ass quip about PMT, but decided that he valued his extremities exactly where they were, not floating in a jar of vinegar on Caitlyn Todd's shelf.

_The hospital, 20 minutes later__…_

"What is the team working on?"

"We don't have a case right now Abs; they're deskbound for the day whilst I'm here with you. I should probably check in on them in a minute, check that everyone down there is still alive."

"Dya think that he's still alive?" Abby asked tentatively, indicating the OR with one black-nailed hand.

"Yes. Otherwise, someone would have told you. He's fine, he will be fine - it's a routine operation."

"He could die!"

"It's highly unlikely, Abs. Sit. Drink this."

She sniffed it nervously, and, upon being reassured that it was just water, she took a long drink, and then made a face.

"I want Caf-Pow."

"They have no Caf-Pow, Abs. I asked. Many times. The first nurse just stared at me, the second hesitated, mumbled something, and rushed off, and the third just told me no."

Disappointed, Abby returned to her water, and tried not to worry about her friend's operation, carrying on behind closed doors.

"I should check in on the team – I want to make sure that they're actually working, and still in one piece."

"Okey doke. Could you put it on speaker phone, so I can hear what's going on? Kate seemed a little short-tempered this morning; I wanna check that Tony is still alive…"

Gibbs smiled, and made a mental note to check that Kate hadn't gone on some sort of rampage without him there. He dialled the number for Tony's desk phone, waited a few seconds for his senior field agent to pick up, then stared at the cell in his hand as it clicked over to voicemail.

"That's hinky…maybe Kate really has killed him…"

"Or he's in the head, Abs."

"Good point."

He then tried Tony's cell; still no answer.

"Maybe Kate'll pick up?"

"Yeah, I'll try her."

Gibbs dialled both Kate's cell and desk, and, getting no reply, snapped his own phone shut and glared at it.

"You might be right Abs…maybe they've killed each other?"

"Or she's in the head. With Tony" she replied, and giggled at the thought. Although she knew that the two warring agents were actually very close, it was evident that they weren't romantically involved. An amusing thought, though.

"Hah. If that's the case, then they'd better hope that they kill each other before I get there…"

"Try McGee. He always picks up."

"Yeah…I'm gonna kill those two, I expressly told them to be available so I cou-"

"Gibbs? You gonna call McGee?"

"Yeah, yeah. OK."

He dialled the number and waited expectantly – he knew that McGee's cell was down, but there was no reason for him to be absent from his desk. The phone, however, remained unanswered. Snapping shut his cell, Gibbs began to wonder just what had happened to his team.

_In the bullpen…_

Although Special Agent McGee had heard his phone ringing, he couldn't get to it. He stretched out his hand, around his desk, but there was no way he could get to it without alerting anyone to his presence. Sighing, he realised that if it was important, it would go to Gibbs' phone, then DiNozzo's, so it wasn't going to be a case. Besides, they were desk-bound today. Another yelp and then a growl split the air, and McGee returned to his safe vantage point under his desk, as the Great Stapler War of 2008 continued above him.

_The hospital…_

"No answer, Abs."

"Try McGee again, he always answers. Please?

"Alright, alright. Hang on a second."

Gibbs dialled the number yet again, and hoped that McGee would pick up this time; Abby clearly wanted him to stay, and he didn't want to have to drive to the office, rescue/kill his agents, then drive all the way back here.

A clicking noise followed by a loud bang emitted from his cell, and both Gibbs and Abby looked at it in surprise for a moment, before realising that McGee had, indeed, picked up the phone.

"McGee! Are you alright?"

"Sorry, boss, I dropped the phone, y'see, I'm-"

"Are you alright?"

"I am, for now, but, well, listen for yourself…"

"McGee, what in the-"

What Gibbs then heard from the cell was simultaneously hilarious and infuriating. War had broken out between two of his agents, and all that could be heard was:

CRASH! "Stapler, now!" "No! What is your-OW!" "Give it!" CRASH! "Yikes, Kate, what did you-" "Don't you dare start. I-" "Come get it!" SMASH! "Hey, seriously, it's just a-" "Give me back my-" BANG! "Yowch!" "Owww!" "Hey, get offa me-"

"That's enough, McGee!"

"Sorry boss, I just thought you should here it for yourself."

"Where are you?"

"Under my desk. I tried to leave, but Kate rugby-tackled me, so I thought I was safer under here…"

Just then, the connection was cut off. Presumably, the Great Stapler Warriors had severed the line, or McGee had just been killed by whatever it was they were using as weapons. Either way, Special Agent Gibbs was furious. And in hysterics. Abby was too, as she leant against him, clutching her sides and committing to memory forever the image of Kate rugby-tackling McGee, then going after Tony with a stapler. Or was it that Tony had the stapler?

Gibbs cut into her thoughts by standing up abruptly.

"I'm going to give McGee two minutes to get those two idiots settled, then I'll call back. And so help them, if they haven't killed each other…"

"I'm sure it's just harmless fun, Gibbs. Very funny, harmless fun. McGee sounded terrified; I can't believe that he's actually hiding under his-"

"Abs! This is, well, not serious, serious, but…I would dearly like to be able to trust my team without a babysitter for a few hours - I'm going to call McGee again."

He grabbed his cell and let it ring, hearing the same click and then a crash as McGee dropped the phone.

"Hey, boss, I…oh no…"

"McGee? What-"

Gibbs' question was cut short, however, by a thunderous voice erupting in the background. A very recognisable, and very angry voice.

"Well, I think the babysitter has arrived…"

_The battlefield…_

"DiNozzo! Give me m –"

"Your wh – uh oh."

"SPECIAL AGENTS DINOZZO AND TODD, EXPLAIN YOURSELF THIS INSTANT!"

McGee grinned, and started to emerge from his desk. The UN mediator had arrived, in the form of a very angry Director.

_The two near-hysterical eavesdroppers…_

"What do you think –"

"Ssshhh, Abs. I think the Director is about to impale DiNozzo and Todd on that stapler…"

Just then, Gibbs' cell phone started erupting again, picking up the chaos on the other end:

"STRAIGHTEN YOUR SKIRT, TODD! DINOZZO, FIND A SHIRT WITH MORE THAN TWO BUTTONS! THEN, BOTH OF YOU – MY OFFICE! NOW!"

_Still in the hospital…_

A very confused surgeon approached the next of kin to the man upon which he had just performed an incredibly basic operation. Just why were they both crying? It was routine, very simple, and had been completed without fault.

"Ummm…Miss Sciuto? It's alright, he's fine, you can go and see him in half an hour…what's the matter?"

The surgeon spotted the cell phone in the hand of the man sitting next to Miss Sciuto, and stared at it.

"What - ?" he started to say, then stopped. All he heard was what must be a deafeningly loud roar from the other end, screaming something nonsensical. It sounded a lot like:

"MCGEE! GET OUT FROM UNDER THAT DESK, REMOVE THAT STAPLER FROM THE WALL, AND GET BACK TO WORK! DINOZZO, THAT PEN IS NOT A MISSILE, AND TODD…WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THAT HOLEPUNCH?"


End file.
